Breakups, Questions and Feeling Numb

There is nothing worse than having to write an article about breaking up less than a month after writing about being happy with my new relationship. Except that is, having the new relationship end.

Life isn’t fair and often throws you curve balls – cliche but true.

I was happy. I really was. I was in a grown-up relationship with a guy I liked, we had lots in common but enough differences to keep the budding relationship interesting. The relationship – despite having known each other for a couple of years casually – was new, exciting and made my heart beat faster. Everything seemed great. I was falling for him and thinking that thought that all girls think once they start to develop feelings for their boyfriend. You know the one… “maybe he’s the one.”

But then it ended. Abruptly and without explanation.

I was left with questions and a heartbreak that is out-of-proportion to the short length of the relationship. There’s nothing like being hurt to make you realize how much you cared.

The heartbreak – while difficult, sad and a little unexpected – I can deal with. It happens and really isn’t anyone’s fault. Relationships end all the time and while I wish I didn’t hurt, I will get through it and I’m the only person responsible for my heart and happiness. I have never believed that we should rely on another for our happiness so why should I hold another person responsible for my sadness. It’s no one’s fault – it’s just the result of caring and having a relationship that didn’t work out in the end.

It’s how it ended that pisses me off.

I hate that he left me in limbo for a few weeks and even worse, I hate that insidious thought in my head that wonders… if I hadn’t bugged him for a meeting, would he have even given me a reason. You see, my first indication that thers was trouble was ambiguous at best. It appeared that he was breaking up with me but it wasn’t clear – the only thing that was clear was that he said we would talk and he would explain everything after I got back from L.A. Great, except that left me in a crazy assed half-broken up limbo for two weeks… and he didn’t get in touch with me after I returned. I had to approuch him… almost a week later.

Being a writer, I wrote the guy a very diplomatically worded and slightly long “what the hell happened?” email. I need to know, it’s killing me not knowing. And waited for a response for what seemed like years even though it was only two days. But the answer was a one line blow off – “we’ll talk soon.” Dude, are you trying to piss me off more?

I dealt with the sadness and hurt the best way I know how – by reading 11 cheesy romance books (yep, 11 – I marathon read when upset) and eating a ton of coke bottles (the jelly candy) and Swedish berries. I spent some time working with my tomatoes (it’s relaxing and rejuvenating), cleaned my apartment and fridge (gets rid of stress along with dirt/old food), and basically did anything I could think of not to think of it. I needed to be numb for a bit.

Turned out that he just wasn’t that into me but he didn’t want to tell me because I was so nice to him. Way to put the blame on me.

Just to clarify, I have a habit of falling for guys who aren’t interested in me. And while I would rather it didn’t happen, I’ve gotten oddly used to picking up the pieces of my broken or bruised heart. I would have done so again if dude had have just maned up and been honest. But no, he apparently strung me along because I was too bloodly nice. Oh, I’m sure he wasn’t trying to make things worse but by not communicating honestly, he did.

Am I pissed? Hell, yeah. Do I wish he would have just been honest and said, “Sorry, I just don’t like you that way.” Yes! Of course, I would have been hurt but I would have respected him and gotten over it better and in a more healthy way (and with little to no anger). Now I’m angry as well as hurt and I don’t know if I even want to be friends with him anymore, which sucks as we were beforehand. But it will take a while to forgive him.

But eventually I will have to. For myself, if for no one else.

But damn, it pisses me off so bloody much that he wasn’t straightforward with me. As much as no one (myself included) wants to hear the words, “sorry, I don’t like you.” That I could have handled… and respected. But how it happened… Break ups suck but man, this situation blows!


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