Dating · Random Observations · Toronto

Fear, letting go and moving on

It’s funny. Well, not really funny but it is ironic that less than a day after reading a friend’s Facebook post about how women take 2 weeks to fall in love and guys take like 8 seconds (and thinking, “damn, I must be a guy”) that I decide to write about why I think falling in love – or rather infatuation as I don’t truly think falling in love at first sight is possible despite the fact that it happens to me. However, falling into infatuation… yeah, that exists. And that’s what this post is all about.

You see, it’s time to let go of someone I never had. Sounds a little crazy I know but I have a tendency to have crushes or instant infatuations. Yeah, I know most people grow out of them by the time they graduate high school but I never did. Of course, I have the harmless celebrity crushes that change frequently over time and mean nothing. That’s not what I’m talking about because truly, they’re more about who I find attractive at the moment, who makes good eye candy.

No, I’m talking about real life crushes. Although perhaps crush is the wrong word. I have a tendency, I always have, to fall for a guy at first sight. Instant infatuation. Now I don’t do it all the time of course, but every couple of years I see a guy and my stupid heart starts beating faster. The worst part? Most of the time I haven’t even met the guy yet. I just see him and bam! He’s all I can think about.

It sucks because it never works out. Not that this happens all the time, I don’t fall in and out often – in fact, this is only the fourth, okay, fifth time in my life. But falling for someone I don’t know never works out. Or at least it hasn’t for me in the past. You see I dated three of the guys I fell for at first sight and none of the relationships worked.

There was the guy in high school that treated me like I was made of glass and not a real person. No way a normal relationship was going to come out of that. Then the guy in university that I dated twice because I couldn’t shake the feelings even though I knew we had completely different values (I wanted kids, he didn’t). And finally the guy in Korea who broke my heart and made me a more than a little hesitant to try again. It took me forever to get over him but I came to the conclusion while I was that going from zero to total infatuation was a bad idea.

So, I’ve become a little – or a lot – hesitant to talk to any guy I get too strongly attracted to. I’ve even started to tell people I’m shy because it’s easier to explain than the fact that I’m chicken shit but it’s really not true. I can talk to most people without a problem even if I’m not so good in large crowds (networking parties are killer but one on one or small groups, no problem). Nope, my problem is only with guys I’m crazy attracted to, those few I fall for immediately. And it’s not that I can’t talk to them, it’s that I’m now scared to (something that took me a while to admit).

A little over two years ago, it happened again. I saw this guy and fell hard but this time I knew almost from the start that it wasn’t going to work – or at least that’s what I told myself. But I ignored all the warnings and fear and did something different – I put the dude on a pedestal and vowed to look but not approach. We even met a couple of times and he seemed lovely, quiet but confident. In some ways it was fun having this crush, even as I knew it was doomed. That by putting this crush on a pedestal was one stupid way to protect myself from getting hurt. Because now I would never know… and for someone who is as curious as I am, that’s almost worse than getting hurt. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

But my epiphany came too late. Oh, I’m not saying he would have been interested if I had have approached him a year ago but it’s now too late and I’ll never know. You see, I was recently at an event that he also attended and he didn’t even seem aware I was there. It was pretty obvious that he wasn’t interested. At all. So it’s time that I move on. I need to let my crush go, let the fantasy dissipate, and take him off the damn pedestal. By not acting, or worse, by ignoring him or at least not being friendly, I let whatever might have been possible slip through my fingers.

Goodbye crush. It’s time to let go.

But more than that, I need to not do this again. I don’t mean fall for a guy – I have no choice in that,t that’s just how I am. I need to stop being afraid of being hurt and take a chance on the next guy that makes my heart speed up. It’s time to stop letting fear make my decisions for me. 

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