I love writing. In many ways it’s how I can best express myself. When I write, I’m truly me – no censors, no worrying about how what I say might sounds, no leash on my slightly hyper personality. Not that I say bad things – I don’t (unless I watch hockey – I shock people when I watch hockey because I curse in three languages then) and I have never really been someone who’s overly negative or mean.
As a teen though, I was hyper – truly hyper and without a filter on my mouth – I would talk about anything and everything… all the time. Nothing made me embarrassed and nothing was taboo. But during my university years, I did a year-long exchange to Colorado (in the United States) and I learned that not everyone appreciated my verbal diarrhea or sarcasm. So I learned to censor my thoughts before I spoke. And of course, like everyone, I grew a little less hyper as I grew a little older (not that I’m old of course :P).
But my writing voice is basically me as a teenager or in my pre-Colorado university years. Before I mellowed. And I love it. It’s fabulous to set it free and by doing so, I started to write more and more… because it was fun. I got to be me. It took me a while to realize this of course (I’m pretty self-aware but no one’s perfect) and like many realizations (at least mine) it was a random comment by a friend which led to the light bulb moment.
She was reading the first couple of chapters of the novel I’m working on as a side project and she was like, “did this happen?” Umm, no. It’s a novel (or will be once it’s finished) not an autobiography. I like to share but am pretty sure my life isn’t that interesting.
Of course, I asked her why she thought it was real. And she replied that reading it was just like talking to me (or listening to me tell a true story). It was all hyper, awkward and cute – her words, not mine. Oh actually, those would be my words too. ^^ And a pretty accurate description of me – hyper, awkward and cute – well, minus the hyper part nowadays. You should have seen me in my teens; it was like I was constantly on a sugar high!
But that’s what makes writing so much fun for me – is I can let my personality shine through. Especially with my fiction writing! It’s just so much fun to be me with no restrictions. I can be just as happy and full of bouncing excitement as I want to be. In fact, the posts that I truly let me loose seem to be my most read articles. What do you know? People like Tigger (one of my nicknames in high school because of my hyperactivity).
I just wish I could bottle it up and use some of it in my real life. Okay, let’s clarify that… I wish I could be a little less awkward in ONE ASPECT of my life… and a little more confident or hyper. Funnily enough, it’s the only area of my life I flounder in so consistently.
And since I know you are all dying of curiosity…
I wish I could talk to guys I like/find attractive. But no, it’s the one thing – the only thing really – that makes me seem super-duper awkward and shy. Recently, I almost smacked myself in the head for being such a mute idiot (I seem to curse in my head in Korean nowadays so I called myself 바보) in the middle of a club. I didn’t but I did mentally castrate myself for a few moments and took the crappiest pictures of my life because I was so annoyed with myself. I was shaking with self-anger that much.
A friend introduced me to a guy I find attractive. Actually, I’ve had a crush on him for a while but I was too shy to talk to him so my friend (gotta love her) got fed up and took the matter into her own hands. And I became all tongue-tied and basically ran away him… literally. Yep, I ran away. So embarrassing! And I was REALLY, REALLY looking forward to meeting him. Not that I thought that anything would happen but I would LOVE to have a normal conversation with a hot guy and not a stilted one that ends with me fleeing. Because it’s not only awkward but it sends the wrong impression. I have good social skills… really, I do!
But part of the problem is my tendency to have crushes.
When I develop a crush on a guy – yeah, I still get crushes on guys – I build him up in my mind until he’s almost a mythical figure. And this makes me nervous and tongue-tied. So perhaps the solution is to talk to a guy when I first meet him. To not develop a crush on a guy.
But I’m not always so inept with guys.
Strangely enough, there is one guy that I think is hot but who I’m not all awkward around. It’s weird but I’m really comfortable around him… I even tease him. Maybe it’s because he’s really quiet and I’m always trying to draw him out of his shell but he’s the only guy who I have to repeat in my head “do not start at his arms, do not stare at him arms, do not…” (toned arms & shoulders are my kryptonite) and yet, feel at ease with. Hmm… maybe it’s because he’s shy. Or more probably it’s because we started talking the first time I met him so there was no time to put him on a pedestal. I see him as just a guy, albeit a hot guy.
Maybe my friends are right. Maybe that IS the answer. Just talk to guys! Lol, what do you think?