My heart hurts!
Warning: this is going to be a sad post. I’m an upbeat, glass-half-full person generally but every once in a while, something happens that I can’t shake off and I get truly sad (or angry but in this case, it’s sad). This is one of those times. So if you’re not up for a sad tale of romance & dating, stop reading now! But if you want to hear me pour out my sorrow and remorse… keep reading.
I’m a writer; it’s how I best express myself so I’m going to express my feelings here. Hopefully, it will be a coherent post but no promises on that. Seriously, I can write about pretty much anything with no problems or embarrassment but talking about personal subjects, even with close friends, often makes me blush. Though most people don’t believe me, I am quite shy at first with people – and pretty much always with guys I like. With my friends and family or with work, I’m quite confident and have no problem taking charge. But it’s generally very difficult for me to talk to guys I like until I become comfortable with them. I cannot make the first move which is why I love confident guys who can! But I digress… this isn’t about me being a little shy… it’s about my heart hurting!
Early last year – I believe in the spring – I developed a crush on an acquaintance of mine. Now, I generally don’t date friends because it usually messes up the friendship so I just enjoyed my crush. Subtlety has never been my strong suit but neither am I particularly forward so he probably never knew. Over time, we grew a little closer and became friends rather than acquaintances and I saw him more often which was fabulous. We have several mutual friends so there was always something happening that the two of us were both invited to. It was fun crushing on him. He was sweet, smart, and pretty much everything I liked in a guy except for one thing. I was pretty sure he didn’t like me (romantically).
I was fine with that. I’m a hardcore romantic and have always strangely comfortable having a crush that I’m pretty much sure will never amount to anything (except in my dreams). Kinda like a celebrity crush but with someone I know. I love the romance and dreams of it all. Probably why I write about romance too (as in romantic fiction).
Since I valued our friendship, I never hinted or made any moves. Don’t get me wrong… if anything ever happened I would have been over the moon but I wasn’t quite in the right place for a relationship at the start of the crush so it didn’t really matter that we were just friends. It was just a safe but fun infatuation.
But then something happened. I don’t know what and not knowing is killing me because it means I can’t fix it. But we don’t hang out anymore and that bothers me way more than I expected. Usually, if I stop seeing a crush or better yet, get a boyfriend, I can move on and it’s all quick & painless. But I miss him. I miss just being friends with him. I miss seeing him. I miss his humour. I miss looking at him and thinking how adorable he is. I miss having a crush on him.
So my heart hurts and I don’t know how to fix it. Sad, so sad!
I talked to a friend about it and she suggested that I have three choices:
- Ask him why were don’t seem to be friends anymore.
- Wait and do nothing. Perhaps it will heal itself in time.
- Move on. Find another crush or better yet, an actual boyfriend like a grown-up (her words but accurate).
I’m afraid of the first choice; I really don’t think I could ever do it. If we were actually in a relationship, then of course, I would talk it out. But we weren’t and there is no way to ask what happened without revealing that I like him and I’m too chicken to do that.
I have been doing the second choice as it’s the easiest one but nothing has changed and my heart still hurts. So perhaps it is time to move on and actually look for a date… with someone else. Time to stop being sad, time to put myself out there again. I’ve been writing about it recently… and I want to do it… I just needed to purge my sadness first. I need to realize it was never meant to be and find someone who is meant to be mine.
My heart hurts but I will be okay.